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You know Blogs are, despite some peoples opinion, kinda cool.

You can pour out our ideas, and opinions and feelings and unless you’ve tagged your posts to the max, or unless the people you would like to read it, actually do read it, which in my case, is, probably unlikely, you can publicise your thoughts without really worrying about people reading them. Which is cathartic and kinda cool.

So here we are. Due to a block of nightshifts I’ve done recently, and not really paying attention to the time, its 0337 on Christmas day 2008. I’ve drunk a lot of beer, and watched Scrooged, Where the Buffalo Roam and just finished watching Almost Famous, and feel kinda good.

I have been thinking about growing old. I’ll be 42 in March next year.

42!

An important age for Douglas Adams fans certainly.

You know, I think you know when you’re old when you start watching the news.

When you’re a kid, it’s an annoyance. Something you want to be over so you can watch Dr Who or whatever comes AFTER the news. But when you get older, or become an adult, you actually want to watch the news, I guess because you want to know what’s happening in the world, and how it might affect you. When you’re young, the news and how its effects you doesn’t matter. You’re young. FUCK the world and what its doing. Is this a sense of anxiety or fear I wonder?

Maybe it comes with growing up. Your world starts expanding from the moment you’re born. Slowly at first, an inch at a time. It is a fact that to an infant, if a parents face is there, they exist, but as soon as it moved out of vision, it ceases to exist to that childs concept of the real world. Think its freudian, who knows! But soon it’s growing to your family, you’re home, you’re street, you’re town, you’re country. And ends up the world itself. Maybe this a constant feature of life. A constantly expanding consciousness, growing out further and further. I like to think that this is the case, and that when death comes, that view has expanded to the cosmos and beyond.

I always thought that this was the same of an individuals perseption of time too. When you’re young, everything is new and new things come along constantly, thus increasing your conept of time passing. But as you get older, and get into the mundane pace of life, life seems to speed up because there is nothing new happening. Even as an adult Ive noticed that my perseption of time is totally related to what I am experiencing. You work 37.5 hrs aweek at the same job, go to the shops, sleep, eat, and all the routines of life and time seems to fly by. But when I have taken myself out of that loop, like when I go travelling, everything is new, the places the people, having to deal with simple things, with people who dont speak your language. And 2 weeks seems like two months. 6 months seems like a year, and so on. If you want to have a self pereption of a long life, do something you have never done before once a year for a couple of weeks.

But for now, its Christmas Day, and I think that this time last year I was sleeping next to a lovely young woman in Nepal, ready to wake and go paragliding. Nothing so magical or new this year I’m afraid. The beautiful woman is still beautiful but over a thousand miles away, and anything as exciting as paragliding is far from the reality of this day.

I will go to sleep eventually, to wake to cooking Christmas day breakfast, and then Christmas dinner, and wrapping presents prior to my family get2gether this year. I kick myself or not buying The Muppets Christmas Carol or The Nightmare Before Christmas, like I wanted to, but I guess I’ll make do with what I have.

I do feel kinda lonely certainly, and thinking about the Christmas’ I’ve experienced recently only makes this worse, but what can you do really?

I’ve had some great Christmas’s in the past, but in recent times have gone out of my way to remove them, and the people I shared them with, to my regret I have to say, but not without warrant. I think we all wish at some point as we grow older that we could turn back the clock and be with people we cared for, but as it was then, not as it is now. But we live rather linear lives and the decisions we make must stand. We have to trust in our convictions, no matter how we might question them in the passing years. But yes, in some alternative existence Christmas is being shared with Lily, Denise, Tracey, Jane, Jayne, Vicky, Fliss, Nick, Mel, Melina, Glyn and so many others.

Geez, its 0400 and i’m not even tired. How my internal clock has been screwed up!

The ultimate truth is that all those people we wished we could be sharing Christmas with, are in fact having a good Christmas anyways, despite our absence, and that kinda cool.

Is life all about accumulating regrets?

I always thought that it would be ideal that at the end of life, you can get rid of our regrets and pass on to the next chapter without that kinda luggage, but is that really possible. The average lifespan is what? 70, 80 years!

How much crap can you accumulate in that time? Maybe the aim should be to be at peace with your choices and then move on. Ughhhhh

How negative. Its Christmas after all.

You know, I think sometimes that I was born in the wrong time. Oh to have been 18 or so in the 70’s, and to have experienced the world then. Such a pivotal time, for music certainly. But then I think, maybe we are born into the time that we have to be born into and that each period is just as pivotal. The world about me now at time moment in history is certainly an important moment in our history, and its outcome will be just as monumental I believe.

Crack another beer and ponder for a moment.

Nah, its too early, and I need some sleep.

Think its best to just end on wishing all those I’ve know and know a happy Christmas, when and wherever they may be.

Happy Christmas you guys.

Have a good one.

With all my heart.

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