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Jan 30th

Its snowing….and it looks like its goin to settle. In fact its so cold, the bath full of water Ive been using to flush the toilet, this morning had a layer of ice over it…..and penguins! And boy do those little buggers bite. I had to shoo them out of the flat, past the astonished neighbours, with a mop I use to clean the mold off the bathroom ceiling when it gets bad. They werent too happy and found the fire escape difficult, but luckily I had a tin of tuna which I found in my belongings, and used that to lure them the final few steps. Apparently, Britain has come to a stand still by the snow, which always astonishes me because the weather people warned us…and yet whenever it snows the country seems unprepared. Local council cynicism I guess. Not even they believe the weather forecasts the swine! Either that or theyre just too tight with tax payers money to do any preparation. Need as much as they can to pay for their supply of expences paid meals and buddly water. So, I’m huddled in my room, in front of the computer, doing what I doing with one eye, while watching icicles forming around the hole in my roof, and listening for the tell tale patter of little webbed feet in the hall, just in case those vicious birds return in greater numbers, with some kind of rabid blood lust for tinned tuna and a nice bath to skate about on.

Feb 13th

It snowed. They came back! I wasnt in, but the wet webbed foot prints on the carpet gave it away. The front door is sticking but I think that might just be the building shifting with the temperature change and not a sign of forced entry.

Its the hole in the roof! Thats how they got in! Theyre determined and organised, having had to have performed some kinda acrobatic activity to have got out again after they ransacked my fridge, splashed bath water over floor and then, after feasting on a piece of fresh salmon I had been saving, made their escape.

I will have to take precautions!

I have been in contact with a man in Scotland who assures me that for a very modest sum, he can supply me with a leopard seal for the purposes of home defence against these tenacious invaders, and I’m off to the bank to try and raise the captial on Monday. Next time it snows, I’ll be ready. Lets see how the little beasts feel when they sneak in, and find themselves face to face with a well trained, leopard seal, who hasnt had penguin on the menu for a while.

NOTE TO SELF     Buy shellfish for seal


One Comment

  1. Just as a note…..when my mother read this entry in my blog…she immediately went and told my nieces and nephew that I had a seal. My nephew Jack got extremely excited cos he loves animals. This gives you an idea of how totally insane my family think I am!
    They were disappointed when I told them it was just fiction.

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