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FRUSTRATION

ImageSometimes, more frequently than I would like to acknowledge, I feel that I am serving no purpose.

I keep hearing a little voice in my head telling me that I should be doing something more real, more meaningful, something that might make things change for the better. But as tends to be the case, the little voice doesn’t suggest any particular course of action.

Voices in ones head rarely prove helpful.

It’s just your mind prodding you mentally, conscience being spiteful, because it knows, as well as you do, that a life filled with a regular mixture of work and playing computer games, uploading videos to YouTube, or writing blog’s, doesn’t really serve any true purpose.
It’s just buying into the distraction that our culture feeds on like starving refugees from a land in concealed torment, all to avoid realising the fact that we are wholly and totally fucked if things go on the way they are going.

The problem is that in the past, the voices tended to hint that I should be writing, or paint or drawing, you know, doing something constructive and creative. The things I was born to do.
Now, there’s still that, but with the knowledge, the true knowledge that everything I see around me, everything I thought I knew, points to the unavoidable fact that I am a slave. A demented hamster, running its life away on a wheel.

And knowing you are a slave is a damning experience, when you are surrounded by a multitude who don’t know that.
As I always said, ignorance is bliss, truly.

Even my job is fading from being anything relevant. Ok, I help people in my own way and support them when I can, but it’s a job, not really a choice. It’s something that I’ve done for years and so know, oh not all the paperwork that seems to grow and grow, year in year out, but the basics of the job, the art of care. But sometimes I doubt my true capacity to care for others, because I know that I’m doing it because it is all I know, and it pays the bills. And so keeps me on the treadmill, day in day out, working to pay out. On and on it goes.

On the flipside, the knowledge I have now does have its benefits.

I realised the other day that I have in fact TWO debt collection agencies after me for a debt over 6 years ago. One is with a bank I have never even had an account with, which is kind of amusing. In the past this sent me into depression and worry, but now that the veil has been lifted on the whole lie of money and of credit and of debt, I only find it slightly annoying.
The sad thing is that the people whose function it is to enforce these things are blind to what they are doing.
What a joke!
I spoke to my credit card people today and paid off a bit of what I owe, but couldn’t help but notice that the woman I was speaking to was so cold, so inhuman. It was as if, to be in that kind of job, you have to give up something, some part of your personality that lets you have even the vaguest empathy for the people you are speaking to. Forcing you to adopt an attitude that those owing your company ‘money’, are below you, and not worthy of interacting with in a human fashion. Of course the problem is always that me being me, and knowing what I know, serves to create the problem I’m guessing. Because I cant take them seriously. After all, theyre asking for money from me that never existed before I borrowed it, which if you really think about it, it verging on the psychotic. So, I tend to just approach the whole thing like its a game I’m playing, its makebelieve. I will laugh and joke with such people and not really take the matter seriously. They, on the otherhand, I’m guessing just dont realise the game, and so get the hump.
Its rather tragic.
Or maybe the woman on the end of the phone is actually being human. Pathetic, narrow minded, easily manipulated and judgemental.
Maybe being human isn’t the key to this whole thing. Maybe we need to be something else. Maybe it’s our humanity that has let us get to this stage in our history. Maybe being human isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe we need to be something else.
But what exactly.
When I was in India, I met lots of westerners who were there seeking enlightenment, and some who felt they had found it. And you wouldn’t believe how annoying they were!
But my enlightenment came here, in this country, not one oozing with spirituality. And it has nothing to do with spending two weeks not talking, or learning mantra’s in a ashram. It is barebones enlightenment, the truth of the now, the world we live in and the agenda’s that perpetuate the misery of millions.
How does one deal with that?
What can you hope to change things when faced with such huge issues?
Hide yourself away?
Continue on even though you walk and act in a world you know to be false, to be an illusion, whose only aim is to enslave you, while eroding your freedom and liberty?
Or do you run, flee from it and find somewhere far away and wait for the tragic day that it to finds you again?

For a traveller like me, that last option is always an option. But the fight isn’t out there, its here. And once you have the knowledge, I feel personally that you cant run away and ignore it.

I’ve done my share of protest. The Poll tax, the Criminal Justice Bill. I’ve done my bit over the years, but it seems that the fight is never ending, that every year more and more arises that requires us to fight for the simple freedoms we feel we have.
And what has changed?
What have we fought off?
Will we ever win, or will it take something tragic and vast to change our world, and only then maybe, the survivors will crawl from the rubble and make something better?
It bothers me you know.

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