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I’m on the 4th day of a bender.
Well.
Three and a half days, because I put rationing in this morning at about 11 am, and so I’ve nothing left to indulge in. But hey, I had a good excuse. ON the morning of day 1, I said goodbye to my girlfriend of 3 and a bit years.
Luton to Israel.
We were, as has been noted by us both, the right people in the wrong time. She enjoys normal life but craves a true simplistic alternative, her case, foraging and gathering. Me? If I was honest is still running. Still got an urge to be elsewhere. Restlessly certain I should be doing something else, and I have to get there on my own or not at all.
Need to write and draw. Need to create. And certainly need to get out of my job, I admit a widely held concept, but that doesn’t make it my own urge.
Now the flat is oddly empty. Not uncomfortably, but I keep expecting to hear her in the kitchen or some such. Living together is an odd thing and if it works then it’s up against the odds in my mind.
So, now we are apart, each nursing our own emotions over the event, summing up the pros and cons, the good things and those little things that really bugged you. Wondering about the future, about getting too old for this singles thing, about how to cope with the totally fucked up life you have now, when only days ago it was so different.
I love her. I really think she needs more than that right now, and I’m not it.
But what am I?
At this moment in time, with my brain turned to cotton wool, I have no idea.
Except smashed!
However, reality dictates that tomorrow, I must stumble back into my world, complete with all its routine and mediocrity, and move forward.
But the most important thing to consider, in times like these, is what can I take out the relationship that is positive? Something’s always jump to mind, while others must be pondered and dug up, often kicking and screaming as they are forced into the daylight.
It doesn’t matter how many relationships you have, only that when they end, you take something positive out of it, and learn.

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3 Comments

  1. Sorry if I impose, without knowing you, or anything, but… I’ll be completely honest here. It’s very hard to spend a lifetime, wondering ‘What if…?’. Mortality has the nasty habit of being unpredictable – recent events are a good proof of that. If you truly love her, what’s stopping you??? Certainly not a few spots on the toilet seat… Excuse me, if my English is not perfect… Forget the ‘being vulnerable’ and ‘afraid of committment’ bullshit, and try to think like this: which one is the least of the two evils – having someone, or not having them? Answer this question, as honeslty as possible, and then make your decision. If you feel, in your gut, that it’s ultimately better to be without her, then move on. But if not – don’t lose her completely… Just don’t. And, yep, I am studying psychology :). So, I should know… 🙂

    • thanks for the comments….its nice.I rarely get them.

    • Oh, and we have a thing in common…we…sort of.
      I’m a psychiatric nurse.


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